Letters to Connor #1

November 22, 2016

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Dear Connor,

As I start to write this you are sleeping in your pram, wearing your little star onesie, after being fed by your daddy. You keep making the tiniest, little squeaking noises as if to remind me that you are really here, that this isn't all just an elaborate dream. But you are a dream. Everything about you is amazing.

It was never an easy road to get to this point and getting you into this world was no walk in the park but you are so worth it. I'd do it all over again so long as I got to see your little handsome face each and every day for the foreseeable future. Every time I look at you or hold you in my arms I feel like I need someone to pinch me. I want to soak in every, tiny little detail of your face and store it safely away in my memory. I want to remember how your tiny fingers grip mine and how your bottom lip quivers when you think about crying.

I think you look so much like your daddy right now but absolutely nothing like me! You definitely have his nose at least but there is something else that I can't quite put my finger on. All I know is I am lucky to have such a beautiful pair of boys in my life! It'll be nice if you can grow to be a nice mix of the two of us - even if you only get my thick hair and not your dad's... thinning hair! I know I am biased but you are definitely the most handsome baby boy I have ever seen!

I don't want these newborn or baby days to pass me by too quickly but equally I cannot wait to see you grow up. It'll be amazing to watch you grow and achieve all your goals, to teach you new skills, to see your personality grow and develop. I cannot wait to see the difference you will make on this world. You may only be two days old but you have already made such a difference in mine. You are my world. 

I love you so much, Connor. I know that will never change. Thank you for making me the proudest mummy in the world.

All my love always,

Mummy x

Life Update || May 2016

May 18, 2016

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Where do I begin?

It has definitely been a while since I properly updated this little blog of mine and I think it is about time that I did. There has been a lot going on in the last couple of months in my life although sometimes it feels as though nothing has happened at all! I cannot lie, most of the time has been spent doing things that really aren't all that blog worthy but I feel like it is about time I shared some of the finer things of the last two months or so.

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My sister had my first little niece, Imogen, on the 8th of May. I couldn't be more in love with this little angel or more proud of my big sister for creating such an amazing little girl. I already have two nephews on Kami's side of the family (who are adorable!) but it so nice to have a little girl to spoil now as well as the boys. She is such a contented baby, so chilled and cute. I can't believe how much she is already changing even though she's only been here for such a short time. Oh, and as a baby name obsessive, I totally love the name. It is simply perfect.

My niece isn't the only baby that will be born this year though...

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Surprise! Well, maybe not really a huge surprise if you noticed our announcement on twitter earlier this week.

That's right, Kami and I are expecting our first baby in November! We have known since the 11th of March that I was pregnant again but after our five losses over the past year we were keeping it quiet and hoping for the best. We had three appointments in the Early Pregnancy Unit before we had our twelve week "dating" scan on the 13th of May. Everything looked amazing and we found out that our due date had been bumped up a couple of days to the 16th of November! So I'm 14 weeks pregnant today! Yay!

I'll probably do a proper post on everything sometime soon (Do you want it here or on Jack Russells and Rainbows?) but for now I just wanted to share our good news.

Lacking That Je Ne Sais Quoi

May 12, 2016

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I used to spend hour upon hour writing whether it be on my blog or working on a brewing story idea and yet lately I haven't found the time for it. Well, that isn't entirely true. There is always time to write and it isn't as if I have been so overwhelmed with life stuff that I couldn't have taken a moment or two to scribble out my thoughts. Some of my days in the last couple of months have frankly been so quiet (and downright boring) that there was almost no excuse for me not to pull out my laptop and whittle away for a while. 

When this word drought first began I tried to stick with it, only to be disappointed by whatever drivel I eventually came up with. Being somewhat of a perfectionist I couldn't just put it out there incomplete, lacking that je ne sais quoi. Not that I am claiming this to be any work of literary genius, it's just about time that I put it all out there properly.

I didn't fall out of love with writing. I'm not sure that is even possible for me. The written world is something that I'll always have a space for in my heart. That being said, my actual motivation and desire to construct my thoughts into some sort of coherent order disappeared. No matter how much I tried I just couldn't push myself to get the laptop out and hear that familiar click of the keys.

I was becoming disillusioned with my blog. I had never had any grandiose ideas about how my blog would become this massive success or that I would be one of those lucky ones that made money from it. When I began writing it back in April 2013, it was simply a place for me to document everything that was going on in my life. Everything. It didn't have to be relateable or get any views. It was a space for me, something to do to pass the time.

And then the views and followers grew, albeit slowly, and it became a way of communicating with those of you that I had formed friendships with. And then the growth faltered and practically came to a standstill. I became aware of the fact that my blog was not a success, despite not even particularly wanting ever it to be. I found that having a lack of disposable income made my life seem as dull as dishwater compared to others who were blogging about jetting off on holiday or having a gorgeous outing or buying enviable clothes. What was I doing with my day to day and why would anyone else even care about it?

I think this is when I realised that my blog had to take a back seat for a while as I worked through my own life stuff. I had to stop comparing myself to others out there and take a few moments (or months) to focus on what was important. What I do have in my life would perhaps make some others envious of me: my wonderful family, a love so strong for my husband, my dog, my house, my health. It's a concept I find hard; someone being jealous of me, but that is the point.

As a race, we are always wanting more, wanting what someone else has. We can't help but compare ourselves to our friends or neighbours or strangers or celebrities. It's like we inherently want to be a tiny bit miserable so that we can keep pushing to get the next big thing or hit the next milestone in our lives that Sally has.

I'm not saying that I have learnt to not compare myself to others because I haven't, I doubt I ever will. But (and it is a BIG but) I've stopped caring quite as much for the time being. This is me. I don't have all the things I would like but nobody does and I just have to be happy in knowing that. I have reminded myself that it truly isn't about the readership growth or so-called success and for a change I'm believing what I'm saying. I'm cool if this is as good as it ever gets.

Maybe I'll be back around here a little more soon, maybe I won't. It's okay. I don't need to have a schedule or worry about making other people happy. I'll be here as and when I want to be, documenting what I want - the good and the bad. I'll just take my time and see where it the winds of life take me.

Marvellous Mondays || March

March 28, 2016

Oh hello there.

Sorry that I've been missing - not that you would have necessarily have noticed. Life has just been a bit busy and I haven't had the desire or motivation to write recently. I can't say that it will be different in the coming weeks but c'est la vie!

Anyway, this was March...

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HIGHLIGHTS

  • Finally getting back to seeing some rugby games. Despite being a season ticket holder I hadn't been to a game since December as the pitch had been unplayable all winter. Great for a team in the Northern Hemisphere that are the current champions of the Guinness Pro12 league, am I right? 
  • Due to Adam Hills' comedy show (see below), rugby, Mother's Day, my mum's birthday and other events I got to see a whole lot more of my family this month which as we all know is my ideal use of time. I just enjoy being around them so much.
  • Seeing far more blue skies and sunshine than in February. It's undeniable that waking up to bright blue skies makes me feel a million times better about life.
  • Speaking of blue skies, one Saturday morning at the beginning of the month we woke up and decided to take a trip out to Luss, Loch Lomond. After eating a picnic we went for a wander along the shore line before strolling through the lovely little village of Luss. Fortunately it was still pretty quiet as when it is busy, you can barely move for other people! 
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PROJECTS & HOBBIES

  • Seeing Adam Hills at Glasgow King's Theatre. I haven't seen a comedy show since we went to the Edinburgh Fringe in 2014 so it was nice to get out and simply laugh especially on a day that could have been tinged with so much sadness. The date of the show was also what should have been my due date for my missed miscarriage last year. Laughing instead of crying was a much better use of my day.
  • Besides seeing more rugby and comedy, I also got to go to another hockey game, although this time we had to pay for our own tickets! Braehead Clan won the Gardiner Conference and secured a place in the play offs so it was only natural that I wanted to go. This time Kami and I went with all of my sisters and my brother-in-law. A good time was had by all.
  • I read one book. Yeah, that's me at a whole three books for the year. I am so not going to make my target if I keep going like this!
Unfortunately I never really got around to reading many blog posts during March (let alone mark them for including in this post!) so my Five Favourite Posts from Other Bloggers part of this post is just going to have to be missed out. Maybe in April it'll be back.

How was your March?

Behind the Blog || Amber Love

March 11, 2016

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A second Behind the Blog post means that this is definitely a series now, right?

Today I'm handing it over to Amber from AMBER LOVE to find out a little bit more about her outside the world of blogging. I've got to be honest it's nice to find out what people are studying/have studied as I had no idea that half of these degrees and such were even available! Makes me feel a bit dim for not studying something brainy! Anyway... Moving on.

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1. Tell me about your day job.
I don't actually have a job at the moment, sort of. I'm a student in my last year of a Biochemistry degree which takes up my whole life pretty much! I have a non-contractual job or something weird like that with a catering company at Portsmouth football stadium but I rarely go now I'm coming up to my thesis deadline and exams.

2. What did you study to achieve the qualifications needed for your chosen career?
Not every career needs a degree, but if you want to go into research, like me, you have to. Like, the things I know from my Biochem degree, it's like a new language pretty much! So yeah for what I want to do I need this degree! It's also given me those classic skills employers wants like teamwork and organisation... and what else are they even looking for?!

3. What three skills do you think you need for your job?
Lab skills, analytical skills... and I guess good writing skills.

4. Where do you see yourself in five years time career-wise?
Five years time... I will have hopefully have completed my masters and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be in a job I love, either working in a lab, or writing for a science magazine, or maybe even doing a PhD if life goes that way. 

5. Aside from work and blogging, how do you like to spend your time?
In the little relaxation time I have I like to paint. Not well, not well at all haha, but there's something tranquil about smushing colours onto paper! Occasionally I go outside, though I'm trying to make that happen more as I'm hunched over my desk most of the time.
6. If you are being completely honest, how would you describe yourself on a day to day basis?
 Boring?! Haha all I do is study! Determined and stressed...

7. What one thing would you like to be better at?
Blogging! And painting, which I can slowly improve at with practise.

A massive thank you to Amber for being a part of the Behind the Blog Series. If you would like to be a part of this series please don't be afraid to get in touch. You can tweet me, @dibdabdebsblog or email me at dibdabdebs[@]hotmail[.]com . I would absolutely love to hear from you!
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