Lacking That Je Ne Sais Quoi

May 12, 2016

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I used to spend hour upon hour writing whether it be on my blog or working on a brewing story idea and yet lately I haven't found the time for it. Well, that isn't entirely true. There is always time to write and it isn't as if I have been so overwhelmed with life stuff that I couldn't have taken a moment or two to scribble out my thoughts. Some of my days in the last couple of months have frankly been so quiet (and downright boring) that there was almost no excuse for me not to pull out my laptop and whittle away for a while. 

When this word drought first began I tried to stick with it, only to be disappointed by whatever drivel I eventually came up with. Being somewhat of a perfectionist I couldn't just put it out there incomplete, lacking that je ne sais quoi. Not that I am claiming this to be any work of literary genius, it's just about time that I put it all out there properly.

I didn't fall out of love with writing. I'm not sure that is even possible for me. The written world is something that I'll always have a space for in my heart. That being said, my actual motivation and desire to construct my thoughts into some sort of coherent order disappeared. No matter how much I tried I just couldn't push myself to get the laptop out and hear that familiar click of the keys.

I was becoming disillusioned with my blog. I had never had any grandiose ideas about how my blog would become this massive success or that I would be one of those lucky ones that made money from it. When I began writing it back in April 2013, it was simply a place for me to document everything that was going on in my life. Everything. It didn't have to be relateable or get any views. It was a space for me, something to do to pass the time.

And then the views and followers grew, albeit slowly, and it became a way of communicating with those of you that I had formed friendships with. And then the growth faltered and practically came to a standstill. I became aware of the fact that my blog was not a success, despite not even particularly wanting ever it to be. I found that having a lack of disposable income made my life seem as dull as dishwater compared to others who were blogging about jetting off on holiday or having a gorgeous outing or buying enviable clothes. What was I doing with my day to day and why would anyone else even care about it?

I think this is when I realised that my blog had to take a back seat for a while as I worked through my own life stuff. I had to stop comparing myself to others out there and take a few moments (or months) to focus on what was important. What I do have in my life would perhaps make some others envious of me: my wonderful family, a love so strong for my husband, my dog, my house, my health. It's a concept I find hard; someone being jealous of me, but that is the point.

As a race, we are always wanting more, wanting what someone else has. We can't help but compare ourselves to our friends or neighbours or strangers or celebrities. It's like we inherently want to be a tiny bit miserable so that we can keep pushing to get the next big thing or hit the next milestone in our lives that Sally has.

I'm not saying that I have learnt to not compare myself to others because I haven't, I doubt I ever will. But (and it is a BIG but) I've stopped caring quite as much for the time being. This is me. I don't have all the things I would like but nobody does and I just have to be happy in knowing that. I have reminded myself that it truly isn't about the readership growth or so-called success and for a change I'm believing what I'm saying. I'm cool if this is as good as it ever gets.

Maybe I'll be back around here a little more soon, maybe I won't. It's okay. I don't need to have a schedule or worry about making other people happy. I'll be here as and when I want to be, documenting what I want - the good and the bad. I'll just take my time and see where it the winds of life take me.
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1 comment :

  1. This is such a deep piece of writing - and it's so true! I feel exactly the same sometimes, that I am a plain Jane and end up comparing myself to everyone and their grandma! Sometimes I just get so fed up I crawl back to my little corner and work on making it more magical and sparkly, not for anyone else, just for me haha :D I guess that's what keeps me blogging! Just wanted to say, I've just landed on your blog and I love it, the design is chic and romantic and I can't wait to read more of your articles :D xx

    elizabeth ♡ ”Ice Cream” whispers Clara | (lets follow each other on bloglovin or instagram)

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